With our closest and dearest, we show more of ourselves. And sometimes that means our stress, anger, grumpiness or inner military bootcamp leader.
From our perspective, it makes sense. The people who love us the most should accept us as we are. We want to be seen, accepted and loved without having to hold ourselves tightly together all the time.
We've got to be able to let it all hang out somewhere.
But if we widen the lens a little and look at things from their perspective, we might see a very different picture.
The person who matters most to them, with whom they are most vulnerable, and on whom they may count the most, is lashing out, snapping or being grumpy.
And while perfection is not required in relationships, there's a truth we all need to be mindful of: our nearest and dearest are human beings, made of flesh and blood, with nervous systems.
Just as we become stressed, worried or upset when something disturbs our inner peace, they have an inner experience in response to the way we treat them.
Our loved ones don't need us to be happy all the time. But they do need us to remember that our unhappiness affects them too.
Love Is Experienced in the Little Moments
The experience of a relationship isn't made only of the big moments — the declarations of "I love you," the romantic dinners, the getaways.
It's made far more of the little moments, of how we feel day after day in each other's company.
We can love someone dearly, but if their predominant experience of being with us starts to feel like being poked, prodded and pricked, the relationship may eventually stop feeling loving.
When I had chronic fatigue, I was starting to get a bit grumpy.
At some point, my husband called it out:
"You might be sick for quite a while. You can't snap at me the entire time."
And he was right. I was glad he called it out.
Snapping wasn't making me feel better. It wasn't helping me heal, become a better person or have some kind of transcendental experience.
I wasn't getting anything out of it.
Many times, we excuse our behaviour by pointing to our circumstances. And while those circumstances might explain why we're more irritable, they don't lead to the inevitable conclusion that we simply must behave in an irritable manner.
Authenticity doesn't mean a free pass for our egoic aspects.
We can have freedom of expression without unleashing the meanest parts of ourselves on our loved ones.
Our Loved Ones Have Nervous Systems Too
Our nervous systems are sensitive to the people with whom we're intimate.
Feeling safe matters. The words we hear matter. The emotional atmosphere our loved ones create matters, especially when we live together or interact frequently.
Repeated tension, criticism and unpredictability in close relationships can contribute to ongoing stress, affecting our emotional, mental and physical wellbeing.
When we're not mindful of how we treat those who love us, we can genuinely affect their quality of life.
You can't love someone without also caring about your impact on their nervous system.
This is a big part of their experience of being with you.
They shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around their loved one, worry about whether the relationship is secure or wonder what kind of mood they'll encounter when they come home.
But even when behaviours aren't that extreme, a pattern of low-key negativity, criticism or emotional withdrawal can add an ongoing layer of stress to the lives of those who love us.
We might not think much of a sharp comment, an impatient response or an irritated tone.
But the person receiving them experiences those moments too.
And when they accumulate, they can change how it feels to be in the relationship.
The people who love us most shouldn't have to pay the highest price for our lack of inner peace.
Being Mindful Is an Act of Love
Being mindful of our speech and behaviour is an act of love.
This doesn't mean suppressing our emotions, pretending everything is fine or never expressing anger, frustration or disappointment.
It means recognising that having an emotion and directing it at someone are not the same thing.
We can be honest about our pain without making another person the target of it.
And if we seek authenticity, the deeper work is to close the gap between loving speech and behaviour and the truth of our inner world. It's easier to demand that our loved ones just put up with us — but it's also unfair and unkind. It's illogical to want to give the worst of ourselves to those we say we love the most.
We need to be willing to look within, reflect and seek to find a better way forward.
How can we let go of anger?
How can we release our tendencies to criticise, lash out, demand and judge?
How can we become more peaceful within ourselves, so that being loving doesn't require us to constantly hold ourselves back?
Take Stock
It's easy in longer-term relationships to start to take the other person and the relationship for granted. It's healthy to take stock and reflect honestly on how we show up — and to reflect honestly on the feedback they share with us.
Perhaps in the moment we get defensive, but maybe on a closer look we can see they were right.
It's helpful to pay attention to what kind of interactions we have with our loved ones.
How do we speak to them? What do we share with them? How much do we talk about ourselves and how much do we listen?
How much interest do we show in how they are doing and their experiences?
Do we show appreciation? Do we validate them? Are we available and present?
Are we being critical, controlling or harsh?
Are we failing to share something that bothers us that impacts how we feel and behave in the relationship?
Are we being honest with them?
When we share feedback, are we creating real dialogue or are we attacking them?
When they share feedback, are we willing to listen and be open to change?
These are some questions that can be helpful in considering what we bring to the relationship in an honest way.
Everyone has an inner world that they may or may not share — and no one can fully share their inner world, no matter how good we are at being vulnerable.
Importantly, some people struggle with sharing how they feel and what they think when their nervous systems are activated. Other people can struggle to speak up or share in general because they're not used to it.
We're sensitive beings, and we're even more so when it comes to those who are closest to us.
Whatever we might be dealing with internally, letting it all out and demanding that a loved one simply accept it is not an act of love.
Love isn't only about what we feel for someone. It's also about the experience of being with us that we create for them.