The only way we wouldn't experience conflict with each other at all would be if we had no desires, needs, expectations, likes or dislikes.
Do you know someone like that?
I do. Saints.
And we ain't that…
I experienced a relationship in which conflict was seen as the devil.
And while my talents as a champion debater could indeed take me too far at times, stifling conflict was simply not a good idea.
It prevented us from becoming each other's champions, saving each other from mistakes and pushing each other to become better.
Constructive Conflict Versus Toxic Conflict
Conflict is constructive when it helps us shake things up in a positive way.
It helps us define aspects of the relationship, reset dynamics in a healthy way, clarify boundaries or move forward in some meaningful way.
When handled well, conflict can help us connect more deeply and strengthen the relationship.
Toxic conflict, on the other hand, doesn't truly serve a constructive purpose beyond gratifying someone's need or desire to engage in conflict.
It might be because they enjoy it or because they haven't processed their emotions.
For some people, conflict can feel enjoyable. Their minds have become accustomed to opposition, and they experience validation from being right or pushing someone else into submission.
They may have grown up in environments where being combative was common.
Toxic conflict can be very damaging to mental health and wellbeing.
Shifting this kind of pattern with another person isn't easy and may require therapeutic support. In some situations, leaving the relationship may be the only way forward.
In this article, however, I'm addressing the healthy, ordinary conflict that can arise in marriage.
Relationships Are Here to Help Us Evolve
You, me and everyone else are confused or ignorant about some aspects of life.
Actually, about more aspects than we'd probably like to admit.
We all need some help to evolve.
Each of us goes through seasons when we lose our compass or experience certain unhealthy inclinations particularly strongly.
On our own, it can be difficult to recognise the patterns we've become comfortable with over the years.
A partner sees us day in and day out. They notice our weak spots.
How lucky!
Their feedback can be invaluable, sometimes even saving us from serious mistakes.
After all, not everyone can afford a coach.
(But if you can, message me.)
When We Get in Our Own Way, We Need Someone to Help Us See It
You might argue that conflict isn't necessary to receive helpful feedback.
And that's true.
But conflict often arises when someone points out our imperfections, because our natural tendency is to resist.
Not many of us are capable of accepting difficult feedback perfectly and instantly.
We might resist, shift blame, deflect, deny or justify.
It's human nature.
We often want to deny our behaviours when we feel shame, guilt or embarrassment. The very desire to avoid those feelings can create resistance within us.
We also tend to resist change when we're unsure how to make it, when we're afraid, when we're attached to a habit or when we're simply comfortable with the status quo.
And our partner might not be perfect at communicating their feedback either.
They may bring in unhelpful elements such as blame, guilt, shame, resentment or anger.
So we become even more predisposed to resisting.
Conflict becomes likely.
And it may be unpleasant.
When a partner points out something we genuinely need to change, it can be a considerable challenge.
If an unhealthy habit is the subject of discussion, we may experience numerous emotions around the idea of letting it go.
After all, we often have these habits because they provide us with some kind of comfort or satisfaction.
The thought of giving up something familiar can feel threatening, even outrageous.
It's natural to experience resistance and anger.
In every relationship, there are two powerful beings involved.
Each of us carries a deep desire for freedom and empowerment.
It makes sense that not every interaction will be smooth.
Why Trying to Avoid Conflict Is Bad for Us
I won't pretend that we always have these conversations in ideal ways.
Many couples struggle to discuss difficult subjects peacefully and lovingly.
I used to think I needed a psychology degree to be married.
And truth be told, it would have come in handy.
Working through life with another person isn't an easy task.
We bring all of ourselves into our relationships, and our egos can flare up very quickly.
Some couples find that beautiful middle path where they can set their egos aside sufficiently to navigate difficult conversations with love, clarity and firmness.
But people who are conflict-avoidant may try to convince their partners to avoid conflict altogether.
They may engage in behaviours that make disagreement so unpleasant that their partner eventually gives up trying.
Over time, the partner may stop expressing opinions or suggestions that are likely to create tension.
Leaving aside the toll this takes on the partner, I believe it's one of the worst things we can do to ourselves in a relationship.
We deprive ourselves of the value of our partner's perspective and their knowledge of us.
We ignore their wisdom.
And, of course, we stifle authenticity.
We're no longer living in reality. We're living with only our own version of ourselves and the world.
When we train someone to avoid conflict with us, we're essentially training them to stop saying much that is real.
How are they supposed to know where all the red lines are at every moment?
It's difficult.
Sometimes We Need a Wake-Up Call
There are times in life when we truly need a big wake-up call.
Our partner may be able to help us see something important before life itself delivers a much harsher lesson.
But a partner who feels they need to walk on eggshells around us won't dare to be fully honest.
They won't speak up.
And they won't apply the necessary pressure when something genuinely needs to change.
They may not dare to be sufficiently firm, clear and strong for us to hear what they're trying to say.
They might love us deeply and want to help, but they won't know how far they can go if we continually block them.
Because here's another thing about those periods when we're caught in unhealthy tendencies:
We can be deeply asleep to what we're doing.
We may be living in a dreamlike reality, unable to see clearly the consequences of our actions.
Our unhealthy habits can insulate us from reality. They create a bubble of comfort that can be difficult to break through.
Without honest input from the people closest to us, making a change can become even harder.
The Better Answer
Training a partner not to use their voice with us is not the answer.
It can also become a recipe for losing that partner.
Over time, too many issues may be swept under the rug.
And one day, they may simply walk away, because we've made it clear that discussing anything difficult isn't an option.
So here are six ways to develop a healthier relationship with conflict in marriage.
1. Accept that some conversations will feel tense or awkward.
Not every conversation with someone you love needs to feel like a romantic waltz.
2. Embrace difficult conversations as opportunities to grow.
Listen, seek to understand and become clearer about how to express yourself firmly, lovingly and honestly.
3. Use mindfulness practices.
If your partner approaches you feeling emotional or unsettled, practise remaining peaceful.
Breathe slowly and deeply. Listen. Ask questions.
4. Find better ways to navigate conversations that become too intense.
Make it clear that you care about how your partner feels and what they're trying to communicate.
At the same time, explain that you need to find a healthier way to work through these situations together.
5. Remember that your partner learned their way of handling conflict somewhere.
Their communication habits may have developed through earlier relationships or childhood experiences.
They may simply need to learn better ways.
Don't automatically assume that they have something against you or don't love you because their approach isn't ideal or doesn't match your preferences.
You may both have work to do.
Learn how to navigate it together.
6. Seek support from a therapist or coach when needed.
Too many people struggle with significant relationship difficulties without seeking guidance.
Therapists aren't there only to save marriages on the brink of failure.
They can also help you build a good life together.
Don't ignore recurring problems.
Getting professional support with conflict resolution can be a wonderful investment in your relationship and wellbeing.
Training a Partner Into Silence Is Never the Answer
Training a partner to remain silent is simply not the answer.
It might seem like the easiest option for someone who fears conflict, but it doesn't lead to a healthy relationship.
Even when a partner has serious difficulties managing aggression, the answer isn't to impose a blanket rule that disagreement is never allowed.
The underlying issues need to be addressed. And when a relationship is unsafe or persistently harmful, leaving may be the better choice.
It's better to let a partner go than to try to train them into silence.
We're all imperfect.
Our communication will inevitably reflect those imperfections.
By the time someone tells us that something is bothering them, they've often already been experiencing it for some time.
They may communicate imperfectly.
They may already have strong emotions around it.
They may have spent too much time thinking about it.
We all overthink sometimes.
But rather than throwing out the baby with the bathwater, we can engage with what's being said and work through it.
If your partner is unduly aggressive or constantly seeking conflict, it's important to seek appropriate support and understand what you're dealing with. Some relationships can be deeply harmful to our health.
But either way, training a partner into silence isn't a helpful answer.
We need to keep it real.