Meanwhile, the hurt we feel doesn't dissipate. It gets bigger and bigger. And all we want is to be free from it.
There are various modalities we can use to heal. I love spiritual teachings because they take me back to my centre, but also because they remind me to question everything my mind has made up.
Much of what we think we know about the world and this life is shaped by ideas, interpretations and assumptions. Some are our own musings on reality; others are beliefs we were born into. Everyone around us seems to believe they are important and true, so we adopt them.
But how much of what we believe have we actually questioned?
Many of Our Ideas About Life and People Have Roots in the Pain–Pleasure Pendulum
We treat mainstream norms as if they arose from some deep wisdom.
But how many people of great influence and power do you see in the world today whom you believe are very wise, selfless and honest?
Those who dominate the narrative often have considerable influence over what becomes accepted as normal or true. Repeat something enough times with confidence and it can begin to seem true. Many of the mainstream narratives we live within were not created by spiritually enlightened beings who are challenging truth and are here to serve the good of humanity.
We have helpful legal systems, healthcare systems and more that are premised on beautiful, loving values. But we also have greed-based and fear-based systems and beliefs running through the fabric of the world.
I think it's helpful to keep in mind that many ideas we take for granted have emerged from the depths of our human experience, which is a mix of wise and crazy, loving and selfish, strong and weak, and more.
And these ideas don't remain somewhere out there in society. We absorb them. They become our expectations of ourselves, other people and life.
We develop ideas about what love should look like, what fairness means, how others should treat us and what we deserve.
Then, when life doesn't match those expectations, we hurt.
Sometimes the hurt comes from something genuinely wrong that has happened. But our interpretations, assumptions and beliefs can add further layers of suffering.
We can't find our way back to truth simply by taking for granted what is.
We need to accept the world as it is, but we don't have to guide our own inner evolution without true inquiry.
How Pain and Pleasure Affect Our Thinking
We all want others to be fair, but it's a struggle, isn't it?
When we're hurting, need something badly or have a deep craving for something, it's difficult to be fair. We might be able to intellectually see where fairness lies, but struggle to actually feel it or follow it.
For many people, thinking tends to follow their feelings. Their awareness isn't sufficiently expanded at that time beyond their immediate experience to hold within it the entire situation, especially the interests and wellbeing of others.
Their thinking will reflect this.
You can be blindsided by strange demands, uncalled-for aggression and more. To them, it's perfectly reasonable. To you, it's madness.
And of course, you might do this in turn as well.
Pain tends to blur our vision. We want it to go away. So we use our minds to solve the problem: how could we make it go away?
Depending on how expanded our awareness is, and how well we tolerate pain, we can adjust our thinking.
The same, of course, goes for pleasure-seeking. When unfulfilled, desire is its own kind of pain.
We see this play out in the world on both a small and a large scale.
We use our minds to find ways to justify what we want to get.
It might be that extra cup of coffee you know you shouldn't have (but today is THAT kind of a day), or it might be conquering a country.
How Does This Help Us With Healing?
Understanding that our thinking is not necessarily an absolute reflection of truth, and that it is subject to distortion and confusion, is key to helping ourselves heal.
I have found this mindset to be a real game changer.
Suffering through thinking is created in two ways: through the content of our thoughts and through the way we use the mind itself.
The first is about what we're thinking. What are we assuming? What are we believing? What stories are we telling ourselves?
The second is about our relationship with our mind.
How attached are we to our thoughts? How much do we think? How often do we return to the same questions, arguments and scenarios, even when they bring us no closer to peace?
Thinking also requires energy. When we're constantly analysing, anticipating, questioning and replaying situations, we can create tremendous tension within ourselves. Our bodies can become tense, our nervous systems agitated, and our energy depleted.
Sometimes, we're not just suffering because of what happened or what we believe about it. We're exhausting ourselves through the very activity of thinking.
And the more we think, the more tension we can create - which can, in turn, make it harder to find clarity.
Sometimes, it's not just what we think that sustains our suffering. It's the value we place on thoughts and how tightly we hold on to them.
At a spiritual retreat, I once met a lovely man in his 70s. We started talking, and it turned out he was struggling to release anger.
I showed him a process for less than one minute, and he was so happy to discover that he felt better. He looked like a happy child.
But when we started to go into more depth with the process, and I asked him if he was willing to release the anger, his answer was a clear "No."
His thinking didn't allow him to really go there just yet. And yet, he also knew he was unhappy and wanted to feel better.
We can't have the cake and eat it too. We can't be happy and be right about everything.
Radical Questioning
I invite you not just to question the obvious:
What if they are right? What if I am wrong?
I am inviting you to question the underlying values, definitions, assumptions, beliefs and systems at the root of your feelings.
Try to see what lies at the very core of your hurt, and go there.
Here are some of the questions I have encountered along the way:
- Why do we miss people?
- Why does it matter if we are alone?
- Why do I need reciprocity from someone?
- Why does it matter what someone says to me?
We take so much for granted.
I use questions like these as a form of meditation. And it's precisely the absence of an answer that makes them so valuable.
I don't need to figure anything out. All I can do is contemplate the question and let it be.
The bigger the question, the more quiet I can allow.
This process is not about finding answers, disowning everything or bypassing the reality of doing right or wrong.
Questioning why reciprocity matters to me doesn't mean I have to stop valuing reciprocity. Nor does it mean I have to accept behaviour that hurts me.
It's about opening the door and loosening our attachment to the ideas that keep us stuck in the illusion.
It's about how we relate to our minds, our emotions and truth itself.
When we relax the grip of the mind, our emotions can move. The heart can find more peace.
And in that quiet, we can become more receptive to truth — not merely as another thought or conclusion, but as a deeper knowing that needs no words.