I actually can't believe I only learned it at 37.
At the time, I was weighed down with negativity. I was worried, sad, unsure of myself. I was unable to work. And I didn't connect much with friends either because I was not always able to keep an appointment (my bouts of extreme fatigue could be unexpected, and I also struggled with memory).
I remember the moment when I read about this. It was morning, and I was sitting in my white faux leather chair in my corner for meditation and journaling. This article was an invitation to practise letting go of negative thoughts throughout the day, and it promised a great improvement in mood and mental state.
Whoa! I thought to myself — how amazing! This doesn't require that anything in my reality changes. All it requires is that I let go of negative thoughts throughout the day. I was excited, and I started practising immediately.
That day, I could already feel the shift in my mood. I would forget sometimes to let a thought go immediately, but I got better and better at it. I felt more relaxed, the constant stress was lifting, and I felt peaceful.
How to Practise Letting Go of Negative Thoughts
I invite you to try this practice. If you want, just start with a few hours every day. Just decide on a timeframe — from 10 am to 1 pm, I am focusing on this. Don't engage with the thought. Don't argue with the thought. Just let it go as best you can. You will catch some and not others, but do your best. In time, you will get better.
You might wonder what counts as a negative thought — which is a great question because it is not actually as obvious as we might think. So here is my definition of a negative thought: a negative thought is any thought that has the effect of depressing our energy or mood. You can think of these as unhelpful thoughts.
Some thoughts or thought patterns may not be obviously "negative". You might engage with a fantasy or a dream scenario, for example. But it might drain your energy or leave you feeling unsettled. If you find yourself ruminating about something, try to let it go no matter how good it might feel in the moment.
Here are some things that fall into this category — you might want to create your own list so you can increase your awareness of your thought patterns:
- Wondering or worrying about things that you just can't control or change in any way
- Creating scenarios of what you could have said or done
- Ruminating about what someone else might be thinking or doing
- Fantasising about someone with obsessive thoughts
- Self-critical thoughts or thoughts critical of someone else
Letting go of unhelpful thoughts is not the same as bypassing problems and avoiding responsibilities. It can seem to us that if we hold on to the thought, we are in some way addressing the problem. We may actually be doing the opposite — we can address challenges in our lives best if we are at our best, clearheaded, peaceful and optimistic. Repetitive, unhelpful thinking drains our energy and creates more negative emotions.
You can truly exhaust yourself simply by thinking. You could have time off from all responsibilities, but if you spend it overthinking, you will exhaust yourself.
Tip: You can use a mantra or an affirmation to help you let go of the thought. Or you can simply focus on your breath.
Why It Works
First, thinking is work. Negative thinking is quite intense work. It actually takes energy to do all this thinking that makes us miserable. We are just not used to being relaxed in this way anymore.
Second, our thoughts can send signals to our bodies. Even when something is only happening in our imagination, we can experience real emotions and physical reactions. This is why we love movies, fairy tales and novels so much — they all allow us to have new experiences. So with every thought, you may be creating an experience that comes with its own physical sensations and emotions. You release the thought, and you can begin to release the experience associated with it.
Why We Struggle to Let Go
They can feel satisfying. Aren't some of these thoughts just yummy yummy? I loved creating scenarios in my mind of what I would say to this person or that person. It felt so satisfying in the wake of some experienced injustice or unkindness.
This is one of the scenarios that many people can probably relate to the most. Then we might fantasise about different scenarios according to our unique preferences.
When I was a teen and later, I used to create detailed scenarios of my death, funeral and more. Or that of my parents, wondering what it would feel like. Oh my, I grieved me and everyone so much that it was almost surprising they were still well and alive.
Our thoughts can feel so satisfying because we are trying to use them as a way to process our experiences. We are trying to satisfy ourselves in some way — to release energy that needs releasing. Oftentimes, this energy is an emotion we didn't process. Other times, it is energy that seeks action. Thought alone is not always an effective way to heal emotions or solve our problems.
Which brings me to the second reason why we hold on to our thoughts too tightly.
We are afraid to let go. Have you noticed how your mind is more active when something is uncertain in your life? Or when something new and exciting happens? Our minds can be champion worrymongers unless we train them well.
The mind wants to categorise and label everything. It wants to know where everything belongs and how it can be resolved. This is its goal. It doesn't do well with reconciling two conflicting ideas or incomplete information. This is why a good puzzle or mystery can keep us so engaged — our brains want to fill that gap so badly they are hooked.
If we learn to rely on the mind too much, we come to believe it is the way to resolve everything. The moment uncertainty or unpleasantness shows up, we go into overthinking. Subconsciously, we are hooked because we believe this is how we resolve everything. The notion that we could let the thoughts go and feel peaceful seems contrary to what is unfolding.
But let me ask you this: In a crisis, who do you look to? The crazed person running around or the calm person?
There isn't much value in repetitive, unhelpful thoughts. So if you are overthinking because you are dealing with a problem, consider whether it's actually helping you. You may be churning the same information and trying to find something helpful. Sometimes, what is helpful will only emerge if you let go.
I was a master overthinker and worrier. I only resolved my problems once I let go. It is not the only thing we need to do to resolve our problems, but it can be necessary.
There's a third reason why we might struggle to let go of our thoughts.
We are in hypervigilant mode.
Our minds and nervous systems work in tandem. If our nervous system perceives danger, our minds can also become restless. We are trying to figure out how to keep ourselves safe.
We can become wired to overthink if we grew up in circumstances that were or felt unsafe. This can also happen if we are very sensitive and pick up a lot of energies and stimuli, resulting in our nervous systems and minds being overstimulated. Over time, overthinking becomes a habit and our way of being.
But it doesn't need to be. We can change this — and while at first it can feel strange, the more you practise, the more interesting discoveries you might make.
Start where you are. Review the practice suggestions earlier in this article and adjust them to what works for you. It's simple, but powerful.