No one says - by the way, you might have debilitating traumatic patterns that can get triggered at some point.
It took me years of healing and crying. So much healed.
For a long time I cried when my nervous system would be triggered. I cried because it was so hard. For carrying this within myself like a ticking time bomb that one day exploded.
I had no idea. It takes time for something like this to sink in and become part of an accepted reality.
Perhaps not too long ago you were successful, making things happen in your life - then one day it is a miracle if you manage to handle your electric bill or do the dishes without constantly crying.
It is like going into a store, thinking you paid for everything. You’re about to exit with no care in the world- and then you discover there is another item in your bag you didn’t pay for. Then the store cop catches you, and you get arrested. And then you discover you also had drugs on you, and you’re now in jail for 3 to 5 years.
And just like that, whoever you thought you were goes up in smoke. And what also goes up in smoke are some things that you used to take for granted. Like going through a day from morning to evening doing daily tasks feeling somewhat normal. Maybe you are tired or annoyed, but nothing in your body or mind would indicate to you that these things are difficult.
But it takes a great deal of willpower to overcome a nervous system that has decided everything is scary and terrible. A nervous system that seems to live in a war zone. Or a mind that has decided none of it is worth it, and you’re trying to find willpower to go on.
It is difficult to accept that your nervous system and your brain are not helping you the way they seem to help other people going through life more easily.
At first I was very upset because I felt left out of something - like I was behind everyone else by years and years. Later, as I understood how many people are struggling with this, I was upset because we are all dealing with it in some way or another.
We don’t account enough for our inner worlds - and for the reality of the pain it takes to resolve the consequences of our earliest experiences in life. The world is far too focused on things that have little to do with our humanity.
My experience taught me to not underestimate the journey of healing and to also keep going no matter what. Even if I made mistakes, did it imperfectly, or hurt myself sometimes more than helped myself some days. You have to learn to love yourself fiercely on the journey of healing your traumas - it will have quite a few twists and turns, as well as quite a few miracles.
In the first year of the journey, I had a terrible night. Nothing was wrong - I wasn’t ill. But for some reason everything felt awful. I couldn’t sleep either. I was in pain. There was no event to trigger anything but for some reason it was awful. Who knew trauma could hurt physically so much? I was confused, lying in bed at night, repeating my mantra and realising nothing was working. It felt excruciating.
I was crying, and praying, and I finally asked: “Why? Why does it hurt so much?” And something strange happened, in the midst of all that pain and turmoil, I heard quite distinctly: “So you can see how I heal.”
I experienced tremendous grace on this journey alongside tremendous pain. Little miracle followed by little miracle. And then sometimes by a bigger one.
You can’t tell as you barely put one foot in front of the other, but you are moving up the mountain. Every now and then, you turn around and you realise “wow, I walked a very long distance, and look how much stronger I am.”
Keep on walking. It’s okay to grieve or be angry about it. To be confused. Just keep on doing the work.
Somehow I am here - a different person than I was then. And those terrible nights and days seem very distant now. I know there’s much to grieve, and it’s incredibly tough to do it all, but you can get on the other side of it.